jensen ackles >> laughing

Bert's Heart

Title: Bert's Heart
Rating: PG-13
Category: Gen, Humor
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: These characters belong to DPB, CBS, Paramount, et al. No copyright infringement is intended.

Summary: Abby's reaction when Bert needs a touch of minor surgery, with Tony and Gibbs to the rescue.

A/N: The idea for this fic came from a conversation between myself and Olivia, while we were discussing the effects of having to cut into her own 'Bert' to provide him with the mechanism to make him fart and the mental anguish we could imagine Abby going through if anything happened to hers. There's a reason she guards him with her life, I'm sure :)


Tony didn’t trust his voice. The worry came through loud and clear. Abby’s sobs could be heard halfway down to the basement. He felt his body tense as she turned to face him, expecting the worst.

With the team’s track record with stalkers, bio-hazardous material and certain pranks that went too far, Tony had every reason to worry.

Taking in the mascara running down her cheeks and the red, puffiness of her eyes, he quickly closed the distance between them, desperate to pull her into his embrace and try to take away her pain. Considering she tried to do it every day, he owed her this much.

“He’s… He’s…”

“Ssssh Abby, I’m here, it’s okay.” he soothed, wrapping his arms around her. She mirrored his movements, and it was at that moment he noticed the object on the autopsy table. The scalpel awkwardly balanced in her lap. The white stuffing scattered across the floor. “Abs, what-”

“It’s B-Bert.” she stammered, fighting for composure. “I-I can’t f-f-find his heart.”

Tony resisted the urge to pull away. It didn’t matter why his friend was so upset, or how ridiculous it sounded to him. She needed him damnit, and he was going to try and help her as much as he could.

“You can’t find his heart?” Tony patiently repeated, carefully moving the scalpel to the table to prevent any accidental injuries. He could sense Gibbs on his way, and startling the Goth into stabbing herself would definitely not go down well. He could almost imagine trying to explain that to the Director. Shuddering, he pulled Abby a little closer. “Talk to me so I can do something to fix this.”

“Well, I came down here with Bert so that Ducky could have a look at him. He’s been a little quiet lately; Bert that is not Ducky, because Ducky never really is quiet, unless he’s having a bad day or hasn’t had a cup of tea in the morning, because we all know how important his tea is to him, a bit like Gibbs with his coffee or me with my Caf-” Tony coughed loud enough to cut her off. “Right, sorry, so I came down here with Bert but Ducky wasn’t around. I decided to start without him and see if I could find out why he wasn’t farting properly. Again - Bert, not Ducky. I figured it was just his cushion, so it shouldn’t have been that hard to cut him open and rearrange it. I thought I’d do a full body check, because I love to be thorough, and he hasn’t really had one in a while considering I’ve been so busy, and kept forgetting, and then Ducky went to the conference in London, and then… Then…”

The crying started again, possibly even louder than last time. This was not good.

He knew he should of ordered McGentleman to come down too, just in case Abby needed ‘female’ soothing. Tony knew how to care for his friend, but sometimes, his XY chromosones let him down. McGirl didn’t have that problem, apparently. He’d proved to be the master at controlling hysterical woman - something Tony never had been able to get his head around. Bringing Probie down here would also have meant that if Gibbs appeared, he would get headslapped before Tony.


Trying desperately to comfort the Goth with words of support and comfort, Tony tried manoeuvring himself so that he could reach inside his pocket to his cell phone.

Back-up was definitely required. Immediately.

The headslap seconds later actually came later than he’d originally expected. Maybe the boss had taken the stairs?

“Boss, I was just going to call you. Abby’s having a-”

Gibbs.” she threw herself at him, arms around his neck and head tucked into his chest. “It’s Bert.”

Gibbs glared over the top of her head at DiNozzo. This was definitely not good.

“Can you fix him DiNozzo?”

“I don’t know.” he practically whined, seriously unnerved by how distressed Abby had gotten. “I’ve never held a scalpel before without seriously injuring someone. Back in Baltimore, I stole one from the medical examiner and-” Turning back to Gibbs, Tony’s smile fell. “Right boss, shutting up. I’ll have a go.”

Pushing Abby to an arm’s length away, Gibbs put a finger over her lips. Nodding, he pointed at his eyes, and smiled. As the room fell silent, Tony didn’t dare look up. He poked and prodded at the white fur, desperate to find anything that closely resembled a heart.

Gibbs touched his own lips, then moved his hand forward, until his palm faced upwards. “Thank you.” he mouthed.

Next, he placed his hands on his chest, fingers outstretched. Moving them forward away from his chest and back again, he watched her copy him. “Breathe.

Abby placed her hand over her heart, drawing circles clockwise. “Sorry.

Gibbs shook his head, reminding her not to apologise. Lifting his hands once more, he laid his left hand palm up, with his right vertical, fingers touching his left palm. Moving his right hand twice; up and down, up and down, he smiled as Abby laughed at him.

“Weak.” she giggled, hugging Gibbs. “Thank you.” she whispered in his ear, just as Tony jumped from the chair, practically cackling.

“I found it!” he yelled, turning to face the pair. “I found it.” he repeated, slightly lower this time. “Bert has a heart, Abby. He’s ok.”

“Good job, DiNozzo.”

“Thank you, boss. You too.”

Nodding in acknowledgement, Gibbs turned to leave. “Hey Duck, you missed the show.” He patted his friend on the shoulder, disappearing into the elevator back up to the squad room.

“What happened?” Ducky took in the stuffing all over, Abby’s mascara-stained face and the almost hysterical giggles she couldn’t contain.

“I just performed my first autopsy.” Tony announced, holding Bert close to his chest. “Would you mind teaching me the best way to stitch up our friend here?”

Ducky didn‘t even falter. “Why of course, my boy. Did I ever tell you about the time I-”
  • Current Location: My bed :)
  • Current Mood: geeky geeky
  • Current Music: Daughtry - No Surprise
naww. Tony's first autopsy? :P
Perhaps its more Tony's first unassisted surgery?
It was lovely.
Aw this was so great! I really enjoyed reading it. I loved your characterisation and the sweet Tony/Abby moments and the sweet Gibbs/Abby moments, the sign language and the overall adoreableness of it all!!
Thanks for sharing :D
*blushes* Thank you :) I love writing the sign language and try to do it as much as I can!

Love your icon, as always :P ♥
this made me awww and squee....what would've happened to poor Tony if he'd failed...
I LOVED that part as Tony was complaining why McGee wasn't there. Perfect. Well like the rest of the story. Heartwarming and sweet. :)
*giggles* I love writing Tony because it's fun coming up with random things like that. *blushes* Thank you so much :)